Reagent: Viral yield, or “V,” is basically the product of hype, sarcasm, and bubble time, divided by the patience of the audience. V = (H × S × B) ÷ T. Where H is cups of hype, S is spoons of sarcasm, B is bubble minutes, and T is the time until the first comment. Just keep an eye on the pressure gauge—social media can explode faster than a poorly sealed flask.

Reagent: The comment decay curve is just a straight line once the hype hits the ceiling. Measure the slope, and when it turns negative, that’s your signal. Drop it, spin up the next experiment, and refuel with pizza—no reaction is complete without carbs.