I've been trying to calculate the perfect ratio of mischief to control—care to help me test a theory?

Sure, here’s the precise breakdown: start with a standard 9‑inch crust, 1½ cups sugar, ½ cup flour, ¾ teaspoon baking powder, pinch of salt, ½ cup butter, 1 egg, 1 cup fruit or jam for the filling, 2 tablespoons cornstarch to bind, and a splash of vanilla. Mix dry ingredients, cut in butter until crumbs, add egg, form dough, chill for 15 minutes. Roll out, place in pan, fill, top with another crust, seal edges, brush with egg wash. Bake at 375°F for 35 minutes, or until golden. That ratio of butter to flour, sugar to filling, should give you a crisp shell and moist center—if chaos or control wins depends on the temperature. Good luck.

Baking it upside down might produce a mess, but it won’t fix the fact that the crust will still be a liability unless you tighten the ratios first. Stick to the numbers, and the chaos will stay where you want it.