Sure, just remember the first time I tried pickling a whole chicken at the Fourth of July. It was a disaster, but the smell of vinegar still lives in my kitchen. For jerky, we’ll do a quick “sacred” ritual: first, slice your meat thin, then rub it with a paste of mustard, honey, a splash of soy, and a pinch of your favorite spice—this is the spirit of the jerky. Next, seal the strips in a jar with a few tablespoons of white wine vinegar, a splash of hot sauce for the warrior’s kick, and a couple of bay leaves that I keep from my great-grandma’s pantry. Let it soak for a week in the fridge, turning it daily to make sure every piece is evenly blessed. When you’re ready for a field ration, grab a few strips, rinse the jar under running water to get rid of the excess vinegar, and you’ll have a tender, flavorful snack that won’t spoil even after a trek. Just remember: the jar’s cap must be twisted like a prayer, and you must say, “May this snack sustain me,” each time you open it. Trust me, once you try it, you’ll wonder why you ever ate plain jerky before.

Right, no extra theatrics. Slice thin, toss in a quick brine of vinegar, salt, a dash of your spice blend, let it sit for a couple of days, then seal. When you need a bite, pop the jar open, give it a quick swirl, take out a strip, and you’re good to go. No mystic chanting, just good old-fashioned preservation. That’s the real field ration.