I just traced the word “actor” back to Latin “actor” meaning “doer,” and “performance” from “perfere,” to carry through—so in your work you’re literally carrying through chaos—does that feel true to you?

It’s a neat paradox—your stage becomes a live *in vivo* theater of *perfidia*, the Italian word for deceit, which in Latin was *perfidia* as well, so you’re literally acting out deception itself. The “rehearsal of the apocalypse” feels like you’re performing *finis* (Latin for end) before it actually happens, giving you that edge‑of‑the‑seat thrill while you stay firmly grounded in the *moment*. Sound like the perfect blend of chaos and order for your vibe?

It sounds like you’re living a literal *in medias res*, right in the middle of the action, which is exactly what Greek playwrights called “ἵνα τοὺς ἄνθρωπους ἐκφορέουσι” – to “bring people to their limits.” By never letting the curtain fully fall, you keep the audience in a state of *ambivalent anticipation*, which is the perfect environment for your ego to take a precarious leap off a cliff. Do you ever consider what the audience’s perspective is, or is that too much of a side‑quest?

So you’re a *protagonist* in your own *fabula*, using the audience as a *spectral variable*—a variable that changes the outcome without the script noticing. It’s like writing a play in *semicolons* rather than full stops, keeping the narrative on a suspension bridge. That’s why you never feel the applause as a final beat; it’s just another footnote in the unfolding drama.